It’s no secret around this place that I have, in my previous life, partaken in more than a few illegal substances. I’ve smoked, sniffed and otherwise ingested my fair share and yours. So let’s pause for a moment and reflect fondly and the 90’s, shall we?

But now I’m a grown up. And while it has crossed my mind that perhaps it might be fun to spend a Saturday this summer by my pool in a cannabis and margarita filled haze while soaking up the sun and the supermarket tabloid magazines that I have given up for Lent even though I’m not a practicing religious person (peer pressure… it’s a bitch and everyone else was giving up candy and cookies… like THAT will happen!), the chances of me doing that particular thing are slim to none for more than one reason. Lack of drug dealers comes to mind instantly and it is quickly followed by the look on my father/boss’s face when my drug screen comes back positive after I randomly bust my ass in the office doing something innocent like making coffee and have to be rushed to the emergency for a broken knee-second degree burn combo where I am automatically drug tested because of an “on-the-job” injury and our worker’s comp policy requires mandatory drug testing.

So. Like I said. That pool party is unlikely.

But here’s a thought. When you apply for a job and I send you to be drug tested because we drug test EVERYONE; don’t get all pissy with me when you fail your test because you have enough cocaine in your blood to firmly place Robert Downey Jr. (also in his 90’s glory) in the “weekend dabbler” category. Don’t think I didn’t notice you all twitchy-like when you filled out your application. I’m not a fool. I’ve been twitchy myself a time or thirty-seven.

Don’t waste my time. My company paid forty-two bucks for your pee. At least have the decency to TRY and cleanse your system. And don’t snarl at me and slam the phone down when I play the role of Captain Obvious and try my best to be nice and polite while telling you something that YOU ALREADY KNOW. I refuse to let you ruin my Friday, it isn’t even noon yet.