Patrick: “Oh GROSS! You just flung water from the kitchen scrub brush on me, that is REALLY disgusting. That thing is filthy”

Me: “Oh shut up, no its not. I rinse it every time I use it, PLUS its like brand new. Don’t be a bitch”

P: “Did you just call me a bitch?”

M: “I did. Plus you’re an asshole for insulting my housekeeping skills. I see how it is…I’m just a shitty housekeeper and everything is filthy and my GOD how can you live in this pigsty. Maybe you should just go and find yourself another wife. One who CLEANS.”

P: “Yeah. THAT’S what I was getting at. Whatever. I would have thought it was gross even if it had been Martha Stewart’s scrub brush. This is in NO WAY related to your housekeeping skills. Don’t be such a fucking drama queen.”

M: “Dude, Martha’s been in prison. I bet her shit is spotless. And if you told her it was nasty, she’d probably make you her bitch six ways from Sunday.”

P: “So what you’re telling me is this is a no-win situation for me.”

M: “Yeah, pretty much. Did you call me a drama queen?”