Yesterday was another dark day, or to be more accurate, it was a dark evening. It all started out so wonderfully, I was be-bopping out of the house with good hair and non-smeared mascara with the unprecedented topper of matching socks and perhaps even matching lingerie when my cell phone rang. It was a good friend who was taking the day off and wondering if I’d like to meet her for lunch. I accepted mostly because I’d missed her and it would be great to catch up but also because I know that going grocery shopping right after lunch would easily shave a good $20 off the bill.

We chatted and caught up on life, husbands, work, my painting and the re-emergence of photography in my life (have I mentioned the new camera? Have I? Because I’m a little in love with it…details to come), her soccer coaching and everything in between. And then she got very quiet. I could tell she was struggling to tell me something and wasn’t sure how to start when it hit me. Of course. She’s pregnant. Which I shrieked out loud partly because I wanted to make it a little easier on her and partly because I was truly shocked. Not for even a second was I upset with her, this is wonderful news and I’m thrilled. Ridiculously excited. In a completely non-sarcastic way.

I really was floating on air for her for the better part of the day. But as night fell and I found myself home alone I sensed the dark cloud settling in. I’ve come quite familiar with the cloud and sometimes even call it Hugo when it knocks on my door asking to be let in. We will hunker down on the couch or on the bed with some hot tea and maybe some cookies and have a good cry. I will tell Hugo horribly angry things that I don’t mean and he will let me wind myself up into a good snit and throw a thing or two. And then as he quietly turns to leave I will always head toward the shower.

The breaking up of my darkness is always done in the comfort of my shower where I will physically wash the anger off of my body and let the water run down my back. The tears do not come until I’m in my private sanctuary; my tears are for me, nobody else, not even Hugo. The sobbing allows the negativity to be released and I stand under the water, letting everything, all the anger, frustration, hurt and jealousy wash away and allow my smile to be uncovered because somehow it always manages to come back.