I’m not sure whose job it is to establish a safe expiration date for dairy products but I have a bone to pick with them. Because the goat cheese? In my fridge? That was supposed to still be good and by all outward appearances was still good? Not so much. And the way I found this out? Not much better because I’m still experiencing a little involuntary twinge. Not to mention that you ruined my couscous. I blame you Mr. Dairy Product Expiration Date Establisher. There will never be a beer commercial song about you because you? Suck. Oh, and Bonanza…sorry I hung up on you so fast like that. Believe me, you were being spared.

When you are a slacker like I am and you don’t even realize until February 12th that it is almost Valentines Day do you have ANY IDEA how wretched it is to stand there amidst the other slackers and read shitty Valentines Day cards? Valentines Day cards are kind of sucky. With the exception of the one that Patrick got me that says something about using a lot of tongue to lick the envelope. THAT one brought an instant smile. And at 7:30 in the morning no less which is like five times as impressive because normally about the only expression I manage at 7:30 in the morning is either a scream and a flurry of profanity when I spill something hot on my hand or a Alice in Wonderland “I’m late, I’m late, I’m late” white rabbit type dance as I gather things that I might possibly need that day and never use and run out the door only half ready to face the world. (Hey…traffic was MADE for mascara application) So this second thing that sucks is actually me…no dirty pun intended…for not realizing that Valentines Day was fast approaching so I didn’t send anything to ANYONE. Sorry Betsy, no box of fun VD bubble bath, sorry Mom and Dad, no crafty handmade card, sorry Patrick…well, not really, you’ll be taken care of…

Excuse me. Mr. 40 year old asshole in your silver Trans Am. I’m REALLY sorry that your third wife left you for her 25 year old personal trainer and that you haven’t been laid in about 7 years because you can’t get it up without medical assistance but you know what? There are other people on the road and I swear to GOD if you swerve towards me or cut me off one more fucking time I am going to rear end you so that you stop and YES that will be my fault but guess what? It’ll be worth it because I am going to yank your greasy overly cologned ass (just a safe bet…) out of your car and I am going to beat you to death with your FUCKING PINKY RING. Because pinky rings? Suck.