Okay, so I haven’t had much to say in a while but that’s alright because nobody reads this anyway. But I have just had the most frightening thought. I am going to have to RAISE a HUMAN BEING. Now I don’t know what kind of children other people were – well, I have a good idea of what kind of child my husband was and if the stars align properly and we’ve both helped about a billion little old ladies cross the street and manage to both become pure virgins again we may get lucky and have a child half as good as he probably was but most likely we are going to have a child more like me and capable of all kinds of evil. I mean, I sucked. I was SO MEAN. And I’m not talking about when I was a cute squirmy baby who ate, shit, and passed gas all day. I’m talking about middle school, high school, the age where you just hope you aren’t causing any permanent damage.

A friend of mine has a little boy who is about 3 months old. He is just a little angel looking thing. She showed me his newest pictures today and he’s all cute and squirmy and naked in an Easter basket looking all happy. And I looked at him and he was so cute that I got an instant toothache from the sweetness and then I wondered if he was going to be the type of kid who lied about where he was going on a Friday night in 16 years….like I did.

I remember my mom saying to me “One day I hope you have a child just like you so you can see how awful you are acting.” Dear. God. On a more serious note, I also remember in a fit of rage saying something that to this day, when I think of what I said to her, I still start to cry because it was such a horrible hurtful awful thing. I actually told my mother, when I was 16 or 17 years old, that I was NEVER going to have children because I didn’t ever want anyone to hate me as much as I hated her. I mean, I’m going to hell. How do you SAY something like that to your mother? Now, my mom is as crazy as yours in her own special way with the passive aggressiveness and the not wanting to get old and such. But this is a woman who, as soon as you meet her, you know that she was created to be a kindergarten teacher (which fortunately for her is what she does). Her purpose in life is to nurture these little kids who are just starting out and are going to have mean teachers for years and years but not her. They will always remember their kindergarten teacher as someone who radiated this gentle spirit. Yeah, that’s my mom. And I said those vile things to her.

So now there is all this trouble with a cousin of mine being as shitty as I was when I was his age. And it makes me tell my parents thank you. A lot. Because by some miracle, I turned out alright. Actually, better than alright. But can you ever apologize for something like that enough? I really don’t know. I’ll let you know because I’m still telling them I’m sorry.