I feel like I’m drowning in my own life. I have no funny. No snark. All I have is this weird ache in the pit of my stomach. I can’t sleep. I try so hard to laugh or to make someone else laugh or just to SMILE once in a damn while but I just… I’m broken somehow. Nothing has happened. No life event. No dead babies. No live babies or any decisions about whether or not to try and make a live baby. I just want to hibernate. It’s beautiful outside. It’s summer… this is my time. This is when I’m so happy. I have my garden and my puppies and my Sunday afternoons with Patrick out on the lake. I have lazy Saturday morning showers and trips to the library. I have Sunday brunch outside with friends. I have afternoons on the deck with a book. I have GOOD THINGS. So why is it suddenly not enough? What is this dull roar in my head all the time? It’s like white noise that makes my ears hurt. It’s the voices in my head telling me that I’m not doing it right and it isn’t good enough and it just isn’t enough. I don’t want to get out of bed but when I fall into bed at night, I can’t sleep.

I work all the time, my head is full of to-do lists and things that I don’t even have time to add to my lists so I know they aren’t going to get done. It’s a bunch of gobbledy-gook that isn’t even interesting and I probably brought it on myself but it overwhelms me. I can’t ask for help because it’s MY job.

This sucks. I’m so sorry. I want to be clever and tell you funny stories but I don’t even see them lately. Funny shit probably happens all the time around me. Patrick dropped his car keys in the lake last weekend. I’m sure it was hysterical but for some reason I cried about it.

Fuck. I have to go back to the doctor, don’t I?