Published by PaintingChef on 12 Apr 2012 at 10:54 am
There are sixteen question marks in this post…that should probably tell me something…
Somewhere in the back of my head, deep down in my subcockles, it’s starting to wake up. That little voice… the one that says maybe it’s time to start thinking about it again. Not yet up to a pounding, incessant “BABY BABY BABY” roar but a little tingle.. an inkling. Just something out there that says, yeah… maybe… let’s shyly approach each other and avoid eye contact.
Let’s fourth grade it, if you will…
I’m unwilling to commit. Is that a problem? I’m not 100% sold and I feel like a hypocrite because there was a time that I was. And then when nothing (nothing, nothing, nothing… always with the nothing) happened I figured, okay… this is maybe good? For a reason? Yet I cry all the time so what the hell? How can I have been so certain I wanted something and been willing to dive headfirst into doing whatever it took to achieve that and then just… walk away?
I’m not religious. At all. Which you all know all too well… In fact, that’s a whole new fun issue that has cropped up between me and the in-laws because of a (STUPID) morning buzz wherein I deviated from my M.O. of smile and nod. I should have known better. (shaking that whole mess off… moving on)
But while not religious, I do have a strong belief in a… plan? (Is that the word? I search for words so much more than I used to lately. It almost feels like an old friend betraying me, I can’t explain it… probably because I can’t find the words.) But I think it’s more of a plan in the fuzzy, obtuse sort of way if that makes sense. I’ve not been ready. I thought I was ready, I was certain. But they didn’t happen and maybe that was on purpose? And had things gone differently, we would have managed and done wonderfully, I have no doubt.
And yet doubt is all I have now. I’ve thought I was in the right place before. Many times. So now all I know is doubt. Uncertainty. Fear. Plain and simple. I’m scared shitless. I can’t go through it again. In any fashion. So is the safest and smartest thing to not even try? Fear and doubt. Doubt that it will work. Fear that it will. Neither is good… there used to be hope.
I stopped because I wanted to be ME again. And while that’s gone great, and I’m so much happier and healthier and just… better. Closer to me (but not there yet). I don’t think I ever anticipated losing that need that defined me. But it’s changed somehow, softened? I hesitate to call it ambivalence. Are you even ALLOWED to be ambivalent about children? Fertility treatments? Adoption?
I love my life now. I’m not searching for something to round it out. I don’t feel like anything is missing. So… do I really WANT to change that? Yeah… probably… I think I do. But what if I don’t? What if I’m not sure. What is what I think is happiness is just those twin whores fear and doubt?
Ugh. I have no idea.
Winddrop on 17 Apr 2012 at 8:02 pm #
Considering all you have been through it’s understandable that you aren’t sure what you want anymore. My guess is, it has a lot to do with fear and doubt. You aren’t sure if this is meant to be and the wounds are as healed as they will ever be from the last time. Do you really want to start picking at them and make them bleed? The best question is “Is your life complete without a child in it?” If the answer is no, then you fight. You fight knowing you are going to get beat down and bloody, but holding on to the hope that you will win.
All my friends I have meet along the way that ended up with children all say it was worth it and they would do it all again to get their children.
Not a good analogy, but whenever I want to buy something but am unsure I ask myself “If I come back tomorrow to buy it and it is gone will I miss it?” That helps me decide how much I want something. Will you be happy in 20 years knowing you didn’t keep trying? Didn’t do everything within your power?
I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Kisha on 18 Apr 2012 at 9:48 am #
I have a five-year-old after fertility treatments, and I have been trying for a second for about three years. And as much as I focused the first time around with intensity to achieve pregnancy (two years) some bitter parts of me would secretly wonder sometimes if it was actually what I really wanted. I think that our brains try to rationalize the pain of it not working out. It’s happening again now. Do I really want to start over with a new baby? And startinb ack on the fertility visits and drugs and invasiveness? Maybe I just shouldn’t worry about having another…. And yet, if I truly mean that, then why do I feel so bitter about it? It’s unsettling but I think that maybe it will be beneficial in the long run if things don’t work out.
So… that’s just me, but I wanted to say that I understand being unsure. I think that people without fertility issues just plain don’t get the chance to second-guess their decision to have a child. It HAPPENS. We have time to think about it and wait for it and think some more and envision our lives with and without and.. etc.
Ali on 24 Apr 2012 at 9:52 am #
I’ll be honest, when looking IF in the eye, I got an IUD.
But… I have a child. I got lucky & had my IR PCOS dx’s fairly quickly after going off the pill, so locarb diet & Metformin, wow I was pregnant in 90 days (almost exactly a year from when I stopped taking the pill). That didn’t work out so well in round 2. And as I sat in the REs office with an ambivelent husband awaiting/no dreading would be more accurate, his test… I knew I couldn’t do this. We could not do this.
I’m not sure if I was in fear we were not strong enough to endure the pain & suffering OR if I was not willing to fight through it all for a child. It’s not like we had a bad life. In fact, when I had my IUD inserted, I felt relief. Relief that I was in the drivers seat… Finally.
Huge hugs & sending you good vibes as you walk this path to decide.