So…I’m married to a mechanical engineer…bless his heart.

No seriously, I am learning that we have VERY different ways of doing pretty much everything. And those methods are polar opposites and we make each other absofuckinglutely crazy on a daily basis. But it’s the good kind of crazy y’know…the kind where the death threats are followed by some kissing and grabass with a few loving left hooks thrown in for shits and giggles.

GOD I love that man.

But let’s examine an everyday activity that can be done in at least two very different ways, shall we?

How to clean out a closet the P-Chef All Star Way:

Step 1 – Pull everything out of the closet.
Step 2 – Make two piles. “KEEP” and “THROW AWAY”
Step 3 – Make a third pile “SHIT FOR PATRICK TO DEAL WITH”
Step 4 – Stop and watch 90210
Step 5 – Have ice cream
Step 6 – Also, glass of tea
Step 7 – Check email
Step 8 – Realize that Patrick will be home in like 10 minutes and throw all three piles back into closet without sorting or throwing anything away.
Step 9 – Throw entire body against door to shut it because this closet may take over your entire house.
Step 10 – DAMMIT! Where’s the CAT!?!?!?!

How to clean out a closet the Patrick the Hot Engineer Way:

Step 1 – Pull everything out of closet.
Step 2 – Make detailed spread sheet inventory of all items in closet.
Step 3 – Take closet measurements and make a to-scale diagram of closet interior.
Step 4 – Separate all items in closet into kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, and species (See that? See how I pulled out the 9th grade honors biology on your ass? Boo-ya!)
Step 5 – Color code and cross-reference using date of acquisition.
Step 6 – Ask wife about every fucking item ANYWAY before deciding what to do with it while she plops her lazy ass on the bed and watches “Napoleon Dynamite” for the four THOUSANDTH time.
Step 7 – Try and understand WHY there is so much wrapping paper in a house inhabited by a woman who can barely remember her husband’s birthday.
Step 8 – Take break to drink beer when you are told that there is so much wrapping paper because its just easier to just buy some when wrapping a present rather than looking for one of the three hundred and fifty seven rolls we already own.
Step 9 – Organize everything in closet into neat boxes and crates and various Tupperware tubs and make angelic offer to wife to “Please for the love of GOD just tell me what I can build in here so that this doesn’t happen again anytime soon!”
Step 10 – Pat self on back because you have just uncovered roughly four square feet of floor space in this closet. Briefly bask in glow of accomplishment.
Step 11 – Try not to have nervous breakdown when you realize that wife sees this as four more square feet of floor space that she must ACCUMULATE SHIT ON.

Rinse. Repeat.

I love that man more than Jimmy Choo and chocolate cake.