“Patrick!! I’ve lost over 40 pounds! I think this might actually work!”

“Sweetheart, I’m so proud of you, you are doing a great job and I can really tell you are losing weight.”

“Thanks. I was going to wear these jeans today but I think they’re too baggy. I don’t really care for the baggy jeans look.”

“That’s great that they are too baggy but you look perfectly fine in baggy jeans.”

“Patrick. I have a very important task for you.”

“Okay… this sounds serious.”

“It is. It is vital for our marriage. I have been wearing the same clothes for about a year. I know where they are in my closet and I know how everything goes together and I’m used to them. Eventually, they are not going to look right. They are going to be too big and look weird and I may not realize it.”

“Then we’ll get you new clothes sweetie.”

“Yeah, shopping is not the problem.”

“I didn’t think it was.”

“Patrick. You can NOT let me ever leave this house in baggy clothes looking like a homeless person. DO NOT LET ME LOOK HOMLESS. Nobody, not even Derek Zoolander, can actually rock the Derelicte look”

“Got it. No baggy jeans and no traffic cone bras. Check.”

“I would also prefer to not look like I’m trying to be an Olsen twin.”

“Should I be writing this down?”

“No. It’s implied in the marriage vows. YOU NEVER LET YOUR WIFE LEAVE THE HOUSE LOOKING HOMELESS. I think it’s in the Bible too.”