Published by PaintingChef on 15 Dec 2009 at 01:35 pm
I’m also VERY bad with bug bites and sunburns.
As you may have gathered, by both your incredibly high intelligence level as well as the lack of “I’M KNOCKED UP!!!!!” announcements on this website… “The Plan” has not yet succeeded.
The original timetable of “The Plan” was the end of this year. Well, my dear friends, as you may have noticed… the end of this particular year is fast approaching. But over the past few months, that timetable has become a bit more fuzzy in my mind. I have just started another cycle and this one will stretch into the new year. For many reasons, I hope and yes, perhaps even my own brand of pray, that this is the one.
I’ve had more than one person ask me how I could keep doing this. Can my body handle it? Is it healthy? Why don’t we just adopt? I don’t really have any good answers for that. I assume that my body can handle it as my doctor is allowing it and I have complete trust and confidence in her.
As for the emotional aspects of (in)fertility… I can’t explain it. This should probably be harder. It should probably take more of a toll while I am actually having shots every day and spending every third morning at the doctor and trying so hard to become a mother.
But I think I have become oddly detached from the process. It has become a book of instructions. Steps A, B and C. And as long as I don’t stop to think about what I’m doing, what we’ve been through and what lies ahead, I’m fine. I think about today. I think about this shot. This appointment. This ultrasound. And as I cross THIS day off on my calendar, it is one day down. One day that I have conquered. One more day that I have spent sore and exhausted from the various chemicals that pump through my body and hopefully one day closer to becoming a mother.
Why DON’T we adopt? Because I’m not there anymore. I was there seven months ago. Today I am not. I have devoted myself to this quest for pregnancy 100% and for me, as long as adoption is even in the picture as an option, I am not focused on the task at hand. I feel so strongly that this little person, this amazing little baby that is part me and part Patrick is out there, getting ready. And I’m dying to meet that person. Maybe more out of morbid curiosity at the hellion our combined genetics could produce than anything else…
But as we go on, there are roadblocks up ahead. The largest and most looming is the financial one. While we haven’t yet made the jump to IVF, this process is not cheap and we don’t have the savings to support many more months of my fertility drug habit. Insurance doesn’t cover any of this so we are just paying as we go.
And at some point, Patrick is going to grow very weary of my dropping trou in the kitchen every night so he can give me a shot. He’s an engineer… medical school was never on the radar and I imagine he’s done more doctoring than he ever planned. (Although this can’t be blamed entirely on infertility as I also do nothing but point and shriek when I cut myself shaving. Or get a splinter. Or a blister.)
But the point is… I’m not sure how much longer this is going to go on. Only that it IS going on and that I’m good with that. Because for all my bitching and whining and moaning, it isn’t THAT difficult. You just put one foot in front of the other, remember to breathe and NEVER, EVER involuntarily tighten your butt muscles right before a shot.
Michell on 15 Dec 2009 at 10:25 pm #
That last line is so true.
If I had a nickel for every time someone said why not just adopt I could probably afford adoption but then adoption still isn’t the easy carefree method of getting a baby and comes with a whole wheelbarrow full of other crap that all gets mixed up in it. I too at one time was so sure that adoption would be the route I’d choose and yet the more I try to get pregnant the less I want to adopt.
Good luck with this cycle. I hope it is the one.
Lisa on 16 Dec 2009 at 8:13 am #
And if I had a nickel for every time someone asked “why not IVF” I’d be a wealthy woman today. For what it’s worth, I’ve always felt that this is about the journey itself, not the path anyone takes toward familly. You will arrive at your destination when you get there, you will be richer and wiser with whatever you experience along the way. Take care my dear, and I hope that your destination is just a hilltop away…
Robin G. on 16 Dec 2009 at 1:35 pm #
I honestly don’t know how you can do injectibles every day. I’d lose my fucking mind.
I’ve only been doing the hardcore fertility thing for one month, and I’m already worn out. Maybe it’s one of those things that get easier as you go, though.
On the plus side, you’ve got adoption as a possibility, which is nice to at least have in the background. I’m pretty hosed there. Agencies don’t like to give children to women with documented Crazy.
C h i r l e e n on 17 Dec 2009 at 9:56 am #
hello dahlin’ this is CRE13 from SoulCysters …
You’re so cute! You are amazing and have so much love to give! I will continue to follow you on your journey!!!!
Erin on 18 Dec 2009 at 10:06 am #
Wow, I’ve known you for what feels like forever and I’ve pretty much loved you from day one, but after reading that I have a whole new respect for you. (Thanks for making me cry at 9am, BTW.) I just know that you and Patrick are going to be the best parents one day, the fact that you’re fighting so hard for it now only shows what a bruiser you’ll be as mom, I pity the kid’s teachers and naysayers! You’re truly an inspiration sweet Susannah and I pray for you guys every night.
Cortney on 19 Dec 2009 at 6:45 pm #
Oh, man, I’m so full of “Yes, exactly!” right now I could bust.
My plan, my original plan from August 2008, had us celebrating Baby’s First Christmas right now. Oh, how naive I was back then…I almost miss it. So, every day, the plan gets revised, the dates get pushed back, and somehow I survive it, I think because I too operate on somewhat of a detached level about the whole thing. At least, detached from myself and the reality. I can’t seem to detach from other’s perceived judgement of us, though.
In fact, we don’t tell people about all the crap we’re going through with infertility treatments, because I am not particularly cool headed, and I might actually wind up injuring someone over their sincere ignorance on the subject.
“Why don’t you adopt”
Well, let’s see. My neighbors are currently 8 months and $35,000 dollars into their Korean adoption. And they don’t have a baby yet either. I’ve got 8 months to give to infertility treatments for the same results, and no one had to come inspect my home and determine we are fit to parent. Which meant we didn’t have to bother hiding all the porn and the bong (I kid, I kid). But seriously. For $35,000 we could adopt too, or we could try IVF. We won’t do either, ’cause we don’t have $35,000 to use for our biological kid or anyone else’s. People act like the only obstacle to adoption is willingness to accept someone else’s kid. Not the issue for us. True, right now I am sold on the idea of a biological child, but should this avenue dead end, I would still be willing to adopt. Financially,though, it’s another story. Not to mention, I find the process of applying for a mortgage almost too invasive to bear, I can’t imagine jumping through the approval hoops for adoption and still coming out of it with my sanity, let alone a baby.
So, having exhausted our efforts with Clomid, Femara, and Tamoxifen, I am now scheduled for Ovarian Drilling January 5th, in the hopes that we can escape injectables for now. Simply getting my ovaries to perform their basic task would be a huge victory. And in my head, the plan stays in tact. We have a 2010 Christmas baby. And I can stop worrying about my ovaries, finally, and start worrying about my kid.
smoness on 22 Dec 2009 at 3:37 pm #
You’re amazing.