Published by PaintingChef on 04 Mar 2009 at 11:42 am
“State of the Union”… IN MY HEAD.
If I could just direct your attention to the top of this page where I’m all “Cheaper than Therapy” for a moment…
(Unless you are reading this in a feed reader in which case just know that if you click through to the actual website where this blog lives, there is a pretty banner up at the top and somewhere in the midst of that it says “Cheaper than Therapy”)
Yeah. Technically that is still true. But only because that therapy that I’ve found myself plunged back into is conveniently covered by my health insurance…
I think it’s pretty obvious that the past six months have kind of knocked me on my ass. People who meant the world to me are gone far sooner than I expected them to be. And you know… usually I’m okay with death. I get it, I understand. I grieve and I move on but this time, it’s just different. Every day is harder than the last and while I wouldn’t expect it to be “all better” yet, I guess I thought it would have started to sink in. I’m not in denial; they’re gone and I know that. I just haven’t stopped trying to pick up the phone to call them.
I can’t even bring myself to take their numbers out of my cell phone.
But you know me. Just for shits and giggles I’m planning on piling a bunch of fertility treatments on top of it. Because sometimes The Crazy just needs to be dialed up a notch.
I’m not sure what I’m even trying to say. My head is all over the place and my heart is still shattered. So I’ve started talking to someone about it. And I think that’s a really good plan at this point.
Lisa on 05 Mar 2009 at 7:15 am #
Sometimes, we just need to root through someone else’s tool box to find that “aha!” that we can use. Grief is the toughest. I lost my mother almost three years ago, and most days, most days I’m alright…then there are the days that I melt down over pajamas… the days when I look at the phone and wonder who can I call… and I’ve never changed my cell…
I don’t believe that there are any “shoulds” when it comes to this stuff. These losses are losses that shape our lives…there’s no timetable. My sadness came not only from the loss of my Mom, but from the loss of “normalcy”. Like you, I recognize (d) that life changes, and that loss is part of it, but I had the toughest time feeling “normal” for the longest time. And worst of all….I’m that caretaker person… so I didn’t talk to anyone for fear of adding to their pain. Yeah, I’m a dufus.
You’re doing the right thing…you’re doing the thing that I wish I would have done for myself..
smoness on 05 Mar 2009 at 3:47 pm #
My Great Grandmother died three years ago and I still have her number in my phone. Not sure I’ll ever be able to delete it. You’re not alone.
ms martyr on 05 Mar 2009 at 3:51 pm #
Has your husband had his “swimmers” evaluated yet? I would insist that he does before undergoing another round of fertility treatments.
I sincerely hope that you are feeling better soon.
Traci on 05 Mar 2009 at 8:24 pm #
Kudos for taking care of YOU. I hope things are better soon.
mare on 05 Mar 2009 at 8:57 pm #
you are a major mess right now, and that’s okay. You recognize it and are doing something about it that fits with who you are. If only everyone would, or could, or … any way, just look after you. I always have to be reminded that to look after anyone or thing else I have to look after me; consider this your gentle reminder.
Erin on 06 Mar 2009 at 9:41 am #
Michael would be more than happy to share his own testing experience with Patrick, it was actually quite funny… the nurse tech asked him if he “needed a hand with anything?” (I am not kidding, they both turned crimson with embarrassment) But, seriously have Patrick call him if he needs his fears assuaged and I’m more than happy to accompany you to any appointments you have, maybe we could have a double appointment…. I get health insurance in April, not that they pay for any of that s***, but it’s still nice to have.
Lianne on 06 Mar 2009 at 2:56 pm #
I think what you are doing is awesome and healthy and perfect. Even the most “together” people in the world need to check in now and then. And just because life has lifed all over the place, doesn’t mean you are less than, weak, or anything negative.
You are amazing.
And I adore you.
erin on 06 Mar 2009 at 8:33 pm #
I think that’s a excellent plan. If you can’t take care of your broken heart first, how will you be able to handle everything you’re about to take on with the fertility issue? You’re in my thoughts.
Betsy on 06 Mar 2009 at 9:32 pm #
I’m sorry. As a huge fan (and regular attendee) of therapy, I think it can do wonders. Some days we do lots of “work” and other days I just sit and cry for 50 minutes. But it does help.
Take care.
Courtney on 08 Mar 2009 at 3:48 am #
You have gone through an awful lot of stuff in the last little while. I think anybody would need some extra help right about now. Hang in there. (I hate how trite that sounds, but I really mean it. Just keep trucking.)
Crazy Lady on 09 Mar 2009 at 12:22 pm #
I’m a big fan of having someone to talk to - so good for you for finding someone, and even better to have it paid for by the insurance!