BUT FIRST!!! Still…a STORE! With even more things than yesterday!! My mom is SO proud ya’ll, she thinks I’m a fucking prodigy.

I need to get something off my chest. Now I’ve been pretty well-behaved (for me) the past week or so but that is all about to change.

Apparently, I’ve been spoiled with this whole grocery shopping on Monday morning thing. Because I was in the store the other evening and HO. LY. SHIT. There are some whacked out motherfuckers buying food these days.

Let’s walk through the store, shall we?

I’m not even fully IN the fucking store when it starts. It would appear that choosing a grocery cart is something that one cannot accomplish without the benefit of a Harvard education because this was causing this one dumb toothless bitch a world of despair. Not to mention that she was blocking ALL of the carts while trying to decide which one wouldn’t have a “cricked wheel”.

Already, I want to run so far away but I cannot for the husband at home is so good to me and sometimes? He likes to find food in the fridge.

On to the deli. We are once again attempting this whole low-carb thing (yeah, I cheated and had cheesecake yesterday, sorry Patrick) so I have to get something for breakfast. Well, I don’t know if your ass is getting up in time to make bacon and eggs in the morning but mine? Not so much. So its turkey with cheese melted on it for me. And let me tell you, they sure do find the Rhodes Scholars to work in the deli. I told this dumb fucker ten times what I wanted and I STILL had to point it out to him. Also…when you stack all that sliced cheese without some paper or something to separate it, I cannot get just a slice of cheese out of the bag, no…I get like a cheese blob and I just don’t have that kind of time in the morning…got it?

Have you ever seen those assholes who park their carts in the middle of everything and when you try to reach around them because OF COURSE they are standing right smack dab in front of the asparagus and you know that fucker can’t even PRONOUNCE asparagus so why can’t they just MOVE THEIR ASS? And then when you try and reach around them they get all pissy standing there screeching on their cell phone about (and I shit you not) “That hussified bitch all up on her man at the club. Last I knew about she was sill sleeping with that boy who used to be her cousin.” Kill. Me. Now. Fucking Georgia.

And no matter what you try to do, you cannot escape them. Now I am a creature of SERIOUS routine when it comes to the grocery shopping. Patrick HATES going with me because if he fucks with the routine I throw shit at him and if he’s close enough, sometimes I don’t miss. But to avoid this fine specimen of human being, I’ll go all the way to the back and work my way forward instead of front to back. Completely throwing off the routine and KNOWING that I’m going to need like a year of therapy to recover. But no, SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. That’s what this fucked up bitch does to. And she’ll run over your ass with her cart if you get between her and that buy one get one free deal on the Little Debbies. I saw that shit happen and I felt so sorry for that poor little man she left laying in the middle of the aisle with his limbs all bloodied and his glasses smashed up on the floor. He was reaching for that cell phone because all he wanted to do was get his pregnant ass wife some Swiss Cake Rolls.

See? If he’d had a camera phone she probably wouldn’t kick his ass when he got home for taking too long…

Oh, and then I get to the parking lot (FINALLY) and what is that crazy ass bitch driving? A fucking Range Rover. Brand new. She can’t keep her man away from some slut who used to sleep with some guy who may or may not have been said slut’s cousin and she drives a Range Rover? Someone explain that to me.