I know, without a doubt, that as we get older, our memories of significant childhood events take on kind of a hazy, glowing, sparkly quality. We have an incredible ability to filter out things that we’d rather not remember or that just don’t really jive with the way we would prefer to have something burned into our minds.

So while I tried to keep that in the back of my mind as I thought back over my favorite memories of the holidays of my childhood, I am also quite confident that whatever wine goggle haze the memories have taken on, I still had it pretty damn good. Patrick and I both did. Still do.

This holiday season is unlike any other for Patrick and I. We have this little person. And we have no idea if we will have her for another holiday, we honestly don’t even know if we will have her for her birthday in February. What we know is that we have her NOW. And so we sat down and made the decision that everything was going to sparkle. We were all in on Christmas. Lights, parties, Christmas dresses, cookies, the whole deal. We are doing ALL of the things.

Because even if they send her back to her parents in February, even if the courts decide that her parents are making the required efforts and that living with them again is the best possible place for her, they are… ill-equipped. I don’t know how to say it any nicer than that. But like I said… we have her now. And regardless of what happens in her coming years, I can do everything in my power as her mama to make sure that she remembers this Christmas as magical.

I’ve even closed up shop in the bakery until the first of the year. No Christmas Boxes. No bags and bags of cookies. And you know what? I feel really good about that. I don’t want to be stressing about the things I need to get done after she goes to sleep. I want to be putting together easels and dollhouses and tricycles. I want to be figuring out where we are going to look at outrageous Christmas lights. I want to have one more glass of wine and cuddle up with Patrick and know that while we have no idea what’s coming, we are both so happy that THIS is our life right this second and that there is no one else in the world that we would rather share it with.

(yes… I may have glossed over that whole 180 degree swing in the outlook of all of this and how I kind of dig being a mama now. I’m still working on getting that one out on paper. I have no explanation for it. But it happened.)

There is a line that I must draw though. There will be no motherfucking elves on my motherfucking shelves. You can all push me on it all you want but hear this now… one day, that bastard will kill you in your sleep. How do you not all have nightmares every single day that you know he is in your house where you can see him? Absolutely. No. Elves.

Other than that? Bring it on. Because if anyone in the world deserves it? It’s this little girl…

Abi