Archive for May, 2009

Published by PaintingChef on 28 May 2009

Equal Opportunity Pop Culture Suckage.

It’s a fair assessment to call me a pop culture junkie. Anyone who has to give up tabloid magazines (US Weekly, In Touch, etc…) for Lent (a religious thing that I don’t even observe) is in a bad way. If we’re playing non-sports related Trivia? You want me on your team, trust me. While I am incapable of remembering whether the dishes in the dishwasher are clean or dirty or whether or not I’ve done laundry, I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of celebrity names, bodies of work and love lives. I know my television, movies, music and celebrity divorce stats like those ESPN guys know… something sports-like.

That said, there are a few pop culture areas I choose to remain blissfully ignorant. Things I just don’t… get. Things that I’m actually fine with being unaware of and unable to participate in the discussion of because they just don’t appeal to me.

So here it is… my pop culture “No Way In Hell” list… Defend your favorites! Add your own!! It’s fun!!

American Idol
John and Kate Plus Eight
Harry Potter
Joss Whedon (with the exception of Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog… that shit was funny!)
The Jonas Brothers
High School Musical
Hannah Montana
The Real Housewives of Paducah, Kentucky or wherever they are from this week

Published by PaintingChef on 19 May 2009

Vacation Planning is Fun For EVERYONE!! Now with MORE CAPS for EMPHASIS!

Look! This is the only think my brain can wrap its little… brain (?) around…



Sadly my brain needs to be on the massive number of things that it needs to be figuring out a way to get them done so that it can be blissfully vacationing on the beach. Things like… I don’t know… PACKING. Taking Archie to the vet because we don’t yet trust him not to take off down the beach and never come back.

Who me?

Yes… you.

Did I mention packing? And did I mention that I have still have three swimsuits in a box that I haven’t tried on yet as I ordered them with the intention of keeping ONE and sending the others back because I REFUSE to try on swimsuits in a store as I am not a masochist? Also did I mention the awesome-ly perfect beach dress that is holding hostage with it’s “estimated delivery date of May 22” which is when I’LL ALREADY BE AT THE BEACH EVEN THOUGH I ORDERED IT A WEEK AGO YOU STUPID TARGET SHIPPING PEOPLE (and your perfect dresses only available online)? But then did I mention the EMERGENCY REPLACEMENT dress that I ordered from Old Navy this morning with overnight shipping and how it probably won’t get here either?

Since when am I a DOUBLE FAIL! at shopping?

I also should be getting payroll done at work. (Something I need to be doing right this second. Yet… here we are… )

Straightening up my desk for the temp.

So she can find the phone to answer it.

Because that was a problem this morning…

Taking the cats to my parents’ house.

Vacuuming the house.

Hey. Did I mention that I’m probably not pregnant? But things in that “area”… they are a-coming right along. Perhaps I shall update you on the less-punk-assy-ness of the ovaries when I return. Because all I can think about right now are brown legs, crab legs and sangria.

Published by PaintingChef on 15 May 2009

Just a day…

I’ve been both consumed by and slacking in my writing boot camp. I seem to have a knack for turning in writing exercises slightly late. But the one from Thursday kind of stuck with me so I thought I’d share. We were supposed to write about a day we’d had. It didn’t have to be special or significant, just a day that had stayed in our heads. Well, mine was a significant one but I’d never written like this before so it was really fun to get outside my comfort zone.

No way to wake up on this day.
Of all days.
But damn that was a good party.

The dress hangs outside the closet.
Too big to fit inside.
The perfect dress.
The one I loved before I saw it.

Any minute now she’ll be here.
Knocking on the door.
Trying to act nonchalant.
Pretending it’s just a day.

The door flies open.
They are both there, mother and sister.
Beautiful women.
How did I ever get so lucky?

Bleary eyed, I greet them.
Sisters up too late last night.
Whispering over red wine till dawn.
Oh look… the bottle is still there.

Springing into action.
We can fix it! This is nothing!
Aspirin! Bacon! Shower!
I am good as new on this perfect day.

Downstairs into the kitchen.
Everyone is already waiting.
There she is! Can you believe it’s today?
The only peace and quiet I’ll have all day.

Quickly dress, everything laid out.
No decisions to be made today.
Everything has already been planned.
Whisked off to the first stop of the day.

Everything is a whirlwind.
Full of friends and family.
Girlfriends in white limousines.
Can we do this everyday from now on?

Watching the rain fall outside.
Some say it’s good luck.
Wonder what he is doing right now.
Is he wrapped up in the day as well?

Finally we are there.
Everything is prepared.
Three girls sharing that perfect moment.
The dress is on, I look in the mirror.

Cannot speak.

White satin, pearls, pink lips.
The past fades. Mistakes are gone.
New and perfect, I have been transformed.
Never saw myself as the blushing bride.

The last few moments are a blur.
Dad napping in the corner.
Sister hugging me so tightly.
New sister welcoming me to the family.

The walk begins.
I whisper “slow down daddy!”
Only plan on doing this once.
Want to take in every second.

There he stands.
The one who knows me.
Loves me. Wants me.
Suddenly it all makes sense.

I get it. I know why.
The journey all makes sense.
I needed to fall. I had to lose myself.
To know what it was to find myself.

In him. In me. In us.

Published by PaintingChef on 08 May 2009

But with a drill instructor I’d totally love to have a drink with.

So. I have recently enrolled in a Non-Fiction Writing Boot Camp that is being led by the incredibly awesome and talented Angie Best-Boss. One of the components of the boot camp is what is called a “Daily Drill”. This is a writing prompt that we are supposed to respond to in 5-7 sentences. I am long winded and despite my best efforts, I rarely hit the 5-7 sentence mark. Shocker… I know.

But this morning’s Daily Drill was really intriguing and so I thought I’d share it with you.

When you go home tonight, make a list of the people who are impediments, who don’t believe in you, and call them up and tell them, ‘Get the hell out of my life.’ You don’t need them. Writing is tough enough without having people around you who contribute to a writer’s insecurity.” Ray Bradbury
That’s not really your assignment, although it is tempting.

I love Ray Bradbury. I find it comforting to hear a writer I admire refer to a writer’s insecurity. I’ve written his drill over about 10 times and I can’t get it right. I’ll let Ray speak for me this morning.

Your question for today….

Write a quick note to a person who is an impediment to your writing.

I sat and stared at that for a good five minutes trying to find a way around what I absolutely knew I had to write. I searched my head for someone, ANYONE to blame and in the end… there was only one way to write that letter…

Dear… well, ME-

Hi. You look pretty today and your hair didn’t do that frizzy thing. Happy Friday! So can we talk about this whole “writing” situation? Believe it or not, you have it in you. And when asked to sit down and write a letter to the one person who impedes your writing, this is what you come up with as your biggest problem? Seriously? You are DROWNING in supportive people. All you ever hear from family and friends is that you need to take some time and get back to your creative passions. Susannah. Honey. Stop being so scared of failing, hitch up your big girl panties and DO THIS ALREADY.

The time for excuses is over. You don’t have to cook dinner. Your husband lived on Ramen and Lipton Noodle dinners for like 2 years until you introduced him to the way of the grill. He can handle a few nights of hot dogs or mac and cheese. Contrary to your delusional (and oh so secret) opinion, your success as a wife is not measured by the degree of difficulty involved in what you serve for dinner. You aren’t really going to clean your house unless company is coming and that whole laundry excuse? Bitch please. You don’t wear anything but pajamas on the weekends any damn way.

And we aren’t even going to talk about the time you spend watching 90210 because you know what I’m going to say…

So enough is enough. You can do this. You are talented and you have a story to tell. Not only that, you may actually HELP someone with this book. SO get to it homeslice!


If anyone is curious about Angie’s Writer’s Boot Camp, please go check out her website. I urge anyone with the kind of broad strokes writing bug that needs a little focus and encouragement to check it out. The groups are small and it’s a great chance to share your writing in a really supportive environment as well as interact with other writers who are facing the same challenges that you may have. Please feel free, also, to email or comment with any questions you may have!!