Painting Chef - Cheaper Than Therapy

In a fortunate and unusual course of events, I’m actually getting to see my sister (who now reads this since a certain drunken evening…Hi Bets) THREE times this summer. That is a big huge deal as we live on opposite sides of the country.

Last month we went to Seattle to see her and her hysterical and wonderful husband. With us, we made certain to pack our sweltering heat because as soon as Patrick and I touched down in Seattle the thermometers shot up about 15 degrees and remained that way until our plane took off a few days later.

This past weekend, our parents treated us to a truly wonderful weekend in Chicago. Great hotel, Cubs game (did you see me on TV? Did ya? Because we were right there behind home plate about 20 rows back), museums, and some really fantastic food. Our parents? Kind of wonderful people. But again, Patrick and I managed to throw that weather into our bags and be on our merry way. And now that we’ve returned to the armpit of America I have no doubts that the weather in Chicago has returned to its normal summertime levels.

In about a month, we are going up to visit our grandparents on Martha’s Vineyard. Betsy and Matt are going as well. Patrick and I are quite afraid that if there is a heat wave in Massachusetts over Labor Day weekend, Betsy and Matt are going to write us off forever. And we will quite possibly be required to send out a public service bulletin before we travel from here on out. Also? We will probably never venture to the North Pole as that could be potentially disastrous… single-handedly melting polar ice caps just isn’t on my list of things to do this year.

But only for a few days. I’m currently living it up in Chicago with my fabulous family. If you miss me terribly and can’t make it until Monday then you should first get a life, and then visit some of these places where I have left my mark…

We Three Bitches (which, by the way, I KNOW some of you jokers have problems. Send them in.)
Paintings by Susannah Perry (that’s me!)
And this is where I sell out to make a little cash…

“I don’t feel good Patrick.”

“Is it morning sickness?”

“No, its 8:00 at night dumbass.”

“Well you know what I mean.”

“I don’t know. I refuse to take a pregnancy test right before we go to Chicago this weekend because when its negative I’m going to be all sad and woe is me and bitch, bitch, bitch and I’m thinking that wouldn’t be a fun way to spend a weekend with the family.”

“So you’re just going to purposely not know.”

“That is my plan, yes. But until the time of not knowing is over, you are officially on litter box duty.”

“I think I might prefer the bitch, bitch, bitch.”

This past Sunday afternoon I was being a complete and total slug indoors because the sun was threatening to set fire to my skin if I went outside. So while Patrick was risking said burnt flesh by helping our neighbor rebuild his boat transmission and then maybe add a rocket booster or two and perhaps an onboard keg receptacle, I parked my happy ass in front of the computer and proceeded to gamble away the college funds of my unborn children. And their unborn children… and possibly my first few rounds of age-defying plastic surgery.

Had these funds been made of real money that you could actually lay your hands on, I would have probably been in a smidge of trouble. Even more trouble than when I responded to a shopping “discussion” with the phrase “Oh please Patrick. Like the phrase ‘Charles David Shoes Half Price’ WASN’T going to cause me to fling my credit card at anyone within a 50 foot radius while simultaneously foaming at the mouth.” I learned a valuable lesson that day because he was NOT sympathetic and perhaps had I used phrases like “FREE TOOLS!” and “GIANT GRILLS FALLING FROM THE SKY!” with the appropriate audible caps and exclamation points I might have had better luck appealing to his sense of urgency.

But I digress. While I was sitting there it occurred to me that people just don’t use internet aliases that are DESCRIPTIVE enough. Things are so CRYPTIC these days. And then someone restored my faith in humanity with this little gem…

Why yes you DID read that correctly and that person has indeed decided to present themselves to the internet as “snatchlicker69″. Thank goodness there are still some honest (and from all indications, hardworking) people out there.

“Hey. Did I tell you about the big ass bug I saw at work the other day?”

“I was almost asleep and you woke me up to ask me about a bug?”

“Yeah. It was HUGE! And then after Barry squished it he waved it in my face. It was REALLY gross.”

“Is there a point to this anytime soon Susannah?”

“Kind of. This bug was easily 3 inches long and so I was wondering if you knew what the biggest bug in the world was?”

“I don’t know. Probably a praying mantis or something, they’re pretty big.”

“But don’t you think there is probably some foot long beetle in some African rain forest somewhere that is carnivorous and feeds on small birds and lost adventure tourists?”

“I don’t know. Probably.”

“Serves those whack jobs right for venturing out where plumbing dares not go.”

“Really. Susannah. Point? Please?”

“Big bugs? What’s the biggest? Really Patrick. If you aren’t going to take this conversation seriously I can’t help you.”

“I don’t know. Isn’t this a question for your other boyfriend?”

“Sweetie. This is NOT something that George Clooney would know.”

“I meant the internet…”

“Oh. Good idea.”

And whaddya know…he was right…