Archive for December, 2005

Published by PaintingChef on 30 Dec 2005

If she were closer to my house, we’d SO hang out…

You may (or may not) have noticed that the “Showing Some Love” space over there on your right (yes…you may look now) has been sadly naked for a while now. Not so anymore!! I have found someone so incredibly kick-ass, I should have paid HER to crash on my big red couch. Miss Ann Thrope does all the things that I hold so dear with SERIOUS style and panache. She rants, raves, bitches, and curses like its nobody’s business and on top of all that…her site is incredibly easy on the eyes. So show her some love or I’ll kick your ass.

That is all.

Published by PaintingChef on 29 Dec 2005

2005…A Year in Review.

I’ve been kind of off this week. Its one of those feelings that is sort of hard to put your finger on but you just know that something ain’t quite right. I’m sure its related to the holidays and a short work week and there isn’t anything but chocolate truffles in my house to eat (and those are disappearing at an ALARMING rate…dark chocolate and cinnamon…mmmm). Not to mention I’ve had absolutely NOTHING to talk to you about.

Let’s see, I could write a gripping chapter about finding spots for all the things I managed to bring home after Christmas; wooden pigs and strange expanding purses. I could write about the gross smell I was greeted with on December 27th because I’d forgotten to throw out the already questionable asparagus in the fridge. Or would you like to hear about how we had to take down our tree before Christmas because it was dead. Dead. Dead. (Actually, that was alright. I was VERY glad to come home the other night and have that already done.)

But the week between Christmas and New Years is always a strange one. I’ve always felt kind of out of sorts and that? Is not a good way to finish up a year. It tends to make you think about what you’ve accomplished over the past 365 days and looking back I am quite upset to report…not a whole hell of a lot. Let’s go over what I was hoping to accomplish is 2005, shall we?

1. Give birth…um, nope. Got pregnant but a take home baby? Not so much. The punk ass ovaries aren’t on the top 10 list of wonderful things about 2005 for me. Maybe they could top the list of shittiest players and biggest disappointments but they’d have to share the top spot with my beloved Tennessee Volunteers. Anyway, baby? No check there.

2. Shrink my ass. Another big fat negatory on that one. But…it didn’t grow any so I consider THAT a step in the right direction.

3. Quit my job or find one that doesn’t suck donkey balls. No. And I directly blame number 1 for that.

Sadly, my attention in 2005 was focused mainly on the baby thing and I failed miserably. But at least that makes the list of failures a short one. And you know what? I’m still pretty happy.

Not to mention two weeks late…

(As soon as I typed that last sentence I SWEAR I got cramps. Maybe its all in my head…)

EDIT…I have just learned that on an MSN search of “raving maniacal bitch” I am the number one result. Suddenly the year seems much brighter as I am swelling with pride and unable to contain my excitement!!!!! Bitch, you wanna talk accomplishments? Boom. There you go. Numero uno. Raving. Maniacal. Bitch.

Published by PaintingChef on 28 Dec 2005

A few shiny happy thoughts to show you that I’m not really dead and lying in a ditch somewhere.

Holidays always bring about the fun and games, don’t they? I think having a safe 5 hour distance from my family has spoiled me. Don’t get me wrong, those fuckers are great. We have a good time and I love most all of them to bits and pieces, but they are all nuts.

I guess what that really tells me is that I just come by this shit honestly and I should shut up and stop bitching so much…

Anyway. I’m not dead. AND…I have some things to get off my chest. Ready, set, GO!

1. Being that it is the week between Christmas and New Years, our office is basically empty. No shocker there but because of this whole bare bones staff shit, it has fallen on me and one other person to answer the phone. Will someone PLEASE explain to me why it is SO surprising that there aren’t a whole hell of a lot of people working here? I have now been on the receiving end of THREE tirades about someone not being in the office. Guess what fucker…I’m not their travel agent. Don’t bitch to me; I’m not in the peachiest of moods to begin with. And yes. I DID hang up on you. Want me to do it again? Then call me back. I double dog dare you!

2. Hey! Crazy loony bitch to whom every single one of these tantrums should have been directed! If you are going to be gone for like 10 days at the end of the year (which is kind of interesting since you’ve already missed like half the year for hangovers…yeah…I know you weren’t sick you lying bitch) then maybe you should make sure that your shit is done before you disappear into a whiskey bottle for a week and a half. Because guess what? I could help you out with some of these people but you are so rude and evil that I’m just not going to. So kiss my ass. Oh and also? I think we’ve talked about that lime green leopard print pantsuit…

3. Christmas is over. So, when I buy coffee from you at 7:30 in the morning, if you are going to risk your life by speaking to me in the first place, don’t tell me to have a Merry Christmas. Tell me to not get thrown in jail on New Years. Keep up people.

4. I am SO FUCKING SICK of typing with this splint on my finger.

Okay, so that probably covers it for now…I missed you all! And hey! Don’t get arrested on New Year’s!

Published by PaintingChef on 21 Dec 2005

My corneas are skinny bitches.

When I was very young, I quite literally started going blind. My eyes have been getting progressively worse for the past 25 years at an alarming rate. But in the last couple of years, things have kind of leveled out and I finally decided that 2006 was going to be the year that I had them fixed. I’ve wanted to do this for some time now but a constantly changing prescription and a paralyzing fear of a laser pointed directly into my eyeball kept me from it. Those things and also? Its really damn expensive.

I had a LASIK consultation on Monday. And guess what? I can’t fucking have LASIK. My eyes are too bad (as in I would drop 4 grand on surgery and STILL have to wear glasses just to walk around and function in a non-spastic capacity) and get this shit…my corneas are too. thin. and. flat. WHAT? N-O-T-H-I-N-G on my body is thin and flat, I’m a curvy sort of gal. But no. Corneas? Thin and flat thank you very much. I think I’ll be showing them off this summer in the latest thing to hit the runways…the cornea thong. See my svelte corneas? Maybe I’ll tan them as well…

I CAN have PRK surgery but it sounds a little more involved and there is recovery time and they can only do one eye at a time and many other things that make it sound like the bastard stepchild of the wonderful and glowing LASIK. But I’ll probably have PRK anyway because my degree of blindness? Is fucking ridiculous.

So anyway, my eyeballs suck (although my corneas are SO taking their hot asses to the Bahamas to be skinny bitches on the beach) and are receiving the asshole of the week award; a distinction usually reserved for ovaries although they do still get an honorable mention for never being able to make up their damn minds.

Who is your asshole of the week? (I’m SO full of the Christmas spirit, can’t you tell?)

Published by PaintingChef on 20 Dec 2005

A love letter to the gods of the universe.

Dear gods of health and general pleasantness-

As you may be aware, I am a world class procrastinator. This means that the last full week before Christmas is my time to Christmas shop. I do not go out in the middle of the summer alive with the holiday spirit. I also do not venture out the day after Thanksgiving to get it all done is a marathon of elbow shoving and sale stalking. We know this about me.

I am a person who thinks and ponders each gift until venturing out and when I can’t find what I went out into the world for, I will find something else. And other people, they may panic in the face of this but NOT ME! I thrive on the PRESSURE! The EXHILIRATION! The knowledge that I’d damn well better get this shit done because if I don’t I will be in big big trouble.

But for all of this to happen, here’s what CANNOT happen. I absolutely positively without a doubt CANNOT be so fucking sick that I can barely lift my head. That, my dear universe, puts a crimp in the plans. Home for an entire week? Cool. I can dig it. Sounds like fun. Home for an entire week and too deathly ill to even wrap up in a blanket and crawl to the couch to watch television? No thank you. I have far too much shit to do.

Just for fun, let’s list the things that I did NOT manage to do while I was on bed rest from Tuesday through Friday of last week, huh?

1. Eat.
2. Bathe. (Okay, I crawled into the shower once but I passed out once I got there. And the hot water ran out while I was asleep. That? Sucked.)
3. Get out of bed.
4. Play with the dog.
5. Put on a bra.
6. Put on non-pajamas.
7. Laundry.
8. Carry on a conversation with Patrick beyond “Ahhh. So sick. Pitiful. Bring me ginger ale. With crushed ice. And a straw.”
9. Blog.

BUT! AHA! I foiled your evil plan. With the help of my SuperHusband, we completed the Christmas shopping in JUST. ONE. DAY. Except for finding an iDog. Because there are no iDogs left in the world, they have all been adopted. Dammit.

So anyway, just wanted to let you know that you suck.

P to the C.

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