Archive for October, 2005

Published by PaintingChef on 28 Oct 2005

There appears to be a flaw in the system.

I have been married for almost 4 years. I am just now getting around to thinking about changing my name. Its not that I have some fear of this whole thing not working out or I’m afraid of “losing my identity” or anything like that. I’m just really fucking lazy and the QUEEN of procrastination.

But I finally printed off the paperwork and got ready to send everything in to take care of this and as I’m reading over what I have to send them I’m a little startled. They want me to MAIL THEM MY DRIVER’S LICENSE? Are you SERIOUS? I’ve only got the one you know.

So here is what I’m proposing…I will mail the Social Security office my driver’s license, which, by the way, ALREADY has my married name on it because the guy at the DMV was apparently willing to “take my word for it” that I really was, in fact, married (and we’ve already seen how intelligent I think those DMV people are) if the Social Security office will be willing to accept responsibility for the two tickets and the wreck that I am GUARANFUCKINGTEED to have driving the 1.2 miles back from the post office to my house. Deal?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

I guess I’m going to have to spend one of my precious non-working Mondays off standing in line at the Social Security office. At least it will provide me with some good stories, right?

Published by PaintingChef on 27 Oct 2005

I am one gullible bitch.

Okay, its a hoax. I panicked over nothing. I suck.

I fear that this may label me as one of the stupid people. But I will REVOLT! I will PROTEST! I will NOT wear my special hat! VIVA REVOLUTION!!

Or whatever…

Published by PaintingChef on 27 Oct 2005

Just in CASE this is true…

I’m not normally one to pass along forwarded emails and this may be a load of crap but…what if it isn’t? If there’s even the slightest chance it is true then I think that people need to know about it. So…I got this email from my next door neighbor and he got it from someone and so on and so on so you just never. know. But regardless, I’m passing it along to you all because damn! I love my furry babies and a quick clean up on my nasty ass floor just IS NOT worth taking a chance…

Or I could be totally wrong and be guilty of perpetuating one of those big internet myths…you know, whatever…

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I recently had a neighbor who had their 5-year old German shepherd put
down due to liver failure. The dog was completely healthy until a few
weeks ago.

They had a necropsy done to see what the cause was. The liver levels
were unbelievable, as if the dog had ingested poison of some kind.

The dog is kept inside, and when he’s outside, someone’s with him, so
the idea of him getting into something unknown was hard to believe.

My neighbor started going through all the items in the house. When he
got to the Swiffer Wetjet, he noticed, in very tiny print, a warning
which stated “may be harmful to small children and animals.”

He called the company to ask what the contents of the cleaning agent
are and was astounded to find out that antifreeze is one of the
ingredients. Actually he was told it’s a compound which is one
molecule away from antifreeze).

Therefore, just by the dog walking on the floor cleaned with the
solution, then licking its own paws, it ingested enough of the solution
to destroy its liver.

Soon after his dog’s death, his housekeepers’ two cats also died of
liver failure. They both used the Swiffer Wetjet for quick cleanups on
their floors. Necropsies weren’t done on the cats, so they couldn’t
file a lawsuit, but he asked that we spread the word to as many people
as possible.

EVEN IF YOU DO NOT OWN A PET PLEASE FORWARD THIS ON!

Published by PaintingChef on 26 Oct 2005

Further proof that I come by this shit NATURALLY…

My sister and her husband went to Cabo on their honeymoon. The only image I have of Cabo is from Laguna Beach and I just can’t see Betsy and her brand new cutie husband chilling on the beach and acting as referees between Alex and Jessica as they fight over that loser waste of space Jason while Kristen gets jiggy with the football team and then they all float on the kickass floating mattresses and talk about how fucking difficult and trying their lives are but I digress…

Betsy and her husband told my parents that they would be back in Seattle on Saturday. Well…they were wrong; they didn’t get back until Sunday evening. This threw my crazy ass mother into a HUGE panic at which time all reason and sensibility flew out of her body like morals flying out of a drunk sorority girl and she came to what she determined was the ONLY LOGICAL explanation for their delay.

They had, of course, been eaten by a shark.

(No hate mail about the sorority girl comment. I WAS a drunken sorority girl so I’m ALLOWED to say that kind of shit. Also…there was no eating of the newlyweds by a shark. They are fine and dandy and safely home in Seattle.)

Published by PaintingChef on 25 Oct 2005

Boris, Natasha and stoned Cookie Monster.

I used to have this strange recurring dream when I was younger. We aren’t talking like once or twice but probably once or twice a week for YEARS. Now bear with me because this dream is SERIOUSLY whacked out.

My friend Jennifer and I were kidnapped by Boris and Natasha (as in Rocky and Bullwinkle). Yeah. But it gets better! Boris and Natasha threw me and Jennifer into a furnace with my Sesame Street play set thing with the cars and the elevator where you send a most likely DUI-deserving cookie monster (because you KNOW that dude was stoned out of his gourd) careening down this curvy ramp and we sat there and played with Burt and fucking Ernie until we somehow magically escaped the furnace.

And it doesn’t even end there…

From the furnace we commandeer a fucking MONSTER TRUCK and proceed to demolish a village. All because Boris and Natasha kidnapped our asses. And you wonder why I’m so weird.

But what I’m REALLY wondering is why on EARTH did I have this dream again last night and not ONE SINGLE THING WAS DIFFERENT…

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