Archive for the 'Stupid People' Category

Published by PaintingChef on 15 Jan 2013

The return of the angry girl we all knew and loved.

I’m not sure what it is about the rain and the gloom and the dreary that makes me so batshit insane but lately? My LIST… you know… the list of people you want to stab in the neck with a rusty butter knife and watch them bleed out slowly? That list? Growing.

So just a brief note before we move on… if you are here researching me in any way as a prospective adoptive parent of your embryo or your fetus… please move along. I promise you that I’m a good person. I really am. You know how I know this? Because I have never ONCE acted on a threat of actual physical harm. Yes. I’ve threatened to yank out someone’s intestines, knit them into a scarf and strangle them with it. And… okay… there may be the aforementioned need for a jugular-adjacent rusty butter knife but if it makes you feel any better… I don’t know how to knit and I’m pretty sure that all of my butter knives are currently in my husband’s basement because apparently they make EXCELLENT spackle knives. Also? I can’t find a jugular. Is he that guy in the circus? They have clowns at the circus so you can just COUNT. ME. OUT.

In fact… the only physical violence I’ve EVER committed was a crime against a frozen chicken and I blame that 100% on fertility meds. So see…? By gifting me with your embryo/fetus/etc. you are actually SAVING humanity. Or at the very least frozen dead chickens.

That said… can we chat? I’ve been pretty damn happy recently which has made this a boring place to be. I know it. You know it. We ALL know it. I’ve completely and totally lost my edge but I have good news! I’m fired up right now. And Patrick and I are in the planning stages of a very large (for us) house renovation so I assure that things will be a-sparkin’ once that gets underway.

For whatever reason, I’ve been surrounded by giant fucking idiots and assholes recently. I’m pretty sure that if I could just vent about them all at once, I will lower my blood pressure and be able to continue on my happy path of red wine and Big Bang Theory reruns.

(Seriously… I thought we were friends! Why did nobody tell me about this show?)

And now… people I want to… HAVE WORDS with…

1. That guy with the crooked hat in the plumbing department at Lowe’s. You sir? Are a first rate misogynist. (Does that mean what I think it does?) Yes. I am a lady in a skirt and heels in the plumbing department. But guess what? I have this weird gift. It’s taken Patrick YEARS to even partially acknowledge it. My gift? I FIND SHIT. (MY other gift is that I’m a walking IMDB but that doesn’t really apply here unless you want to know who would best portray you in a movie and I’m going to go ahead and say Billy Redden from Deliverance.) I may have no clue how the teensy little connector piece I am looking for works but Patrick can describe it to me and turn me loose in that aisle of SHINY and I will find it. So if you could kindly refrain from calling me honey and following me around asking me questions and let me do my thing, I will, in turn, refrain from commenting on how inbred you look with your hat like that nor will I whip out my emergency breath freshener or offer to go fetch you some deodorant. I will NOT, however, refrain from stepping on your stupid camouflage boot with my very stabby heel… oh, oops! SO sorry…

2. That guy who wanders into my office asking for directions to somewhere in the general area. I promise I’m trying to help you get there but when you repeat the last three words of every sentence I say, you aren’t listening. You are annoying me. And I’m going to sit here and stare at you until you shut the fuck up and oh by the way… why aren’t you writing this down? In the words of Pretty Woman… I can do whatever I want sugar, I’m not lost.

3. The OTHER guy who wanders into my office looking for a job. We aren’t hiring. I told you this POLITELY three times. I even gave you an application to fill out when you asked even though, did I mention? WE AREN’T HIRING. But guess what? Even if we were? I’m not the person interviewing you. So while I admire your commitment to hard work and helping your granddaddy, your stories about all the hours you spent working on his tractor aren’t helping you for a number of reasons. First? Clearly you aren’t one for paying attention to people. We kind of like paying attention in these parts. Also? I’m glad his tractor runs like a greased prize pig now but we are a concrete company. We hire carpenters. Did you build that tractor out of wood? No? Then I’m not impressed. Also again? NOT FUCKING HIRING.

4. Diamond blade telephone salespeople and financial services salespeople doing cold calls. Specific enough for you? You people have watched “Wall Street” and “The Boiler Room” one too many times. You have no need to talk to me, I get it. Fine. But guess what… the guys that you are SO desperate to talk to that when I have the lady-balls to ask you for more information you respond by calling called me a stupid and nosy C-U-Next-Tuesday (even I have my profanity limits) who will soon be fired because I’m costing those men a lot of money by not immediately putting you through to them and generously offering you a little bonus phone sex while I’m at it… those guys? Yeah… one of them is my father and the other one is my husband… which one would you like first?

Four seems like a nice even number for now… What about the 12 of you who still read this? Who has made you stabby recently?

Published by PaintingChef on 11 Dec 2009

I’m full to the brim with holiday cheer. No. Really.

Dear Postal Customer –

Hi. I know. It’s SO FUCKING INCONVENIENT when someone shows up at the post office before you and proceeds to go about the business they showed up here to do.

I do know the inner eye-rolliness you felt when I stepped up to that counter and announced my intention to send a dozen certified letters. I’ve felt it before too.

And I am SO SORRY that you had to stand there in your pajamas at two o’clock in the afternoon with your bed head and your house shoes and the seven pounds of mascara smeared down your cheek and wait for me. Because I had to something for my JOB. Where I WORK. Like a NORMAL PERSON. Who does not come to the post office in their bunny slippers and Winnie the pooh pajama pants in the middle of the afternoon. And by the way sweetie? Those pajama pants are WHITE. So maybe your black underwear with the word SLUT emblazoned across the ass wasn’t the best choice…

While we’re at it… here’s another little tidbit of advice you may want to file away for future reference. There is a big tower of postal supplies in the middle of the room. But that’s all it is. It isn’t a MAGIC SOUNDPROOF tower of ridiculously priced flat rate boxes ($10.95? Really? Because I mailed that box last year for four bucks) and various quasi-festive mailing labels. I can still HEAR YOU. And I heard what you called me… And I ASSURE you that hearing you call me a selfish bitch didn’t exactly light a fire under my ass.

Much love…

The one who stepped on you foot with her pointy, pointy boots.

Published by PaintingChef on 04 Aug 2006

Its a black fly in your Chardonnay. . .

A truly sad thing happened the other day. My beloved hairdryer, after nearly two years of faithful service, passed on in a lovely display of fireworks and smoke that caused the cat to run away as though she were being chased by the devil and may or may not have singed a few hairs on my head. To date, this was my longest hair dryer relationship as they usually take one look at the task I have set out for them and just melt into a puddle on the floor.

So off I went to find a replacement because I couldn’t bring myself to shell out two hundred bucks for the hairdryer I REALLY want when I know that as soon as I click “complete order” I will have sentenced the beauty to a short and miserable life of hard labor. Also because Patrick said hell no you crazy bitch. Instead I decided on a much cheaper one and called it good.

When I got to the checkout line, the cashier picked up the box and looked it over very thoroughly as though she were trying to find out if she truly WAS the result of the illicit love affair of her cousin Billy Joe Tom Bob Parker and his cousin’s sister’s baby daddy’s great aunt and this was the ONLY place she could derive such pertinent information when out of her mouth came something that caused all the stars to fall from the sky and me to cry out in agony as though I were being jabbed repeatedly in the eyeballs with hot bamboo skewers and then having all my shoes stolen just for spite.

“I think my roommate at college has one of these. Is this one of them ironic hair dryers?”

College? Really?

Investigators are looking into the sudden and unexplained death of ten thousand English teachers across the southeast. Alanis Morrisette is awaiting a royalty check.

Published by PaintingChef on 22 Jul 2006

And here I thought the whole notion of a “pen pal” was dead. . .

Out of sheer boredom and slight curiosity the other day, I listed one of my paintings (at a ridiculously high price that I knew probably wouldn’t sell) on eBay. I promptly received an email from someone that made me raise my eyebrows a little. It went like this…

Hello, i was just going through the item placement on eBay, am so much interested (sic) in buying this item. Kindly let me know the feature condition and final price but my mode of payment is Money order/certified cashier check. So you can get back to me if my offer is cool.

Regard

So I scratched my head a little while I tried to figure out just what this person was wanting to know that I hadn’t already told them in my listing…

I replied with this…

Hi! The painting is in EXCELLENT condition as I only completed it a few months ago. You are welcome to go ahead and purchase it using Buy It Now but it doesn’t look like you have bid on it yet. I would be more than happy to accept a money order or cashiers check for the item. But if you are going to purchase it please either place a bid or use the Buy It Now link. Thank you so much!!

Whatever. Well not an hour later, I read this email… (Which I have just copied and pasted without changing a thing. The guy is an idiot, no question, spelling and punctuation just aren’t on his radar.)

Hello.

Thanks for your response, I reside in US but presently now in europe cos i work with on a long time project with my whole family,I will responsible for the shipment of the item, with my shipping company, my shipper will come for the pickup at your location as soon as the payment clears, I agreed to pay the amount you want as buy it now any aditional money you want. But i will like to include and extra money on the Money Order that would be send to you the excess of the essence money is for my shipper for the shippment of the item and to be bringging some of my goods belonging I don”t realy know the exact amount it will be, bcos it will be issue by my client and the reason of the over payment is that, the amount on the money order/cashier check has been signed and it is more than the sales of your item. So once you receive it and after it has clears in your bank, kindly deduct the sales of your item and transfer the remainnig funds via Western Union to my my shipper in UK and the item will be ship down to Uk.

There will be no problem about the shipment, i will responsible for tax and handling but make sure you deduct the sales of your item and transfer any aditional money on the Payment once you receive it. Here will go i wolud have end the auction but i don”t know how to do it so i want you to go and end the auction for me asap to asure you that i am realy intrested in ur item i will add extra $30 just for your time and effort if you end the auction for me asap. and email me ur full information including your phone # today.
Below are the questions i have for you.

1)Is the item in good condition?
2)Are you an honest seller?
3)Are you going to send the balance money to my shipper?
4)Can you make sure you get the Check cash at ur bank the sameday you receive it?
5)Can you allow me to send my shipper for the pick up and complet the transaction the day you receive the Payment?

If yes too all my questions, kindly email me back asap today so that the Payment can be mailed out today ,

Regards

Well I am now starting to think…yeah…this is OBVIOUSLY some sort of scam, no doubt. But as far as WHAT he’s trying to scam me FOR, I’m still a little clueless. So I send him this lovely response…

I’m a little confused. It sounds to me as though you want to complete this transaction OUTSIDE of eBay and that’s not something I’m interested in. I will ship the painting to YOU. It is in EXCELLENT condition and will be packaged VERY securely. I will ship the painting to YOU once I have received your payment through the “Buy it Now” option.

I’ve received an offer quite similar to what you are proposing in the past and it was a scam so I’m certain that if YOU are as honest as I am, you will have no problem understanding my hesitation with what you are proposing.

Thank you.

Thinking that this would be the end of the whole thing, I washed my hands of it and figured I wouldn’t hear from this guy again. Well how wrong I was as this was in my inbox the next day…

Dear Perry,

Thanks for your reply, why i told you to transfer money to my shipper is becos i got some packages to clear with them and am oweing them some little amount to clear it our that is why i want you to cash the check and deduct the sales of your item +extra $30 for the runining arround and you will transfer the remaining funds via western union to him in UK. kindly let me know if you wish to help me concerning this transaction

Thanks and hope to read from you soon

So I’m all “Perry?” Really? THAT’S the best you can do. Oh hell no. I fumed about it for a bit and then dashed off this little gem…

Dear Richie Mark-

(who can be reached at p.smilee21{at}yahoo{dot}com)

As is glaringly obvious from your fabulously composed emails, you are most likely inbred and dumb as a box of rocks. You make an excellent case for selective sterilization.

I am a bit confused as to what you are hoping to accomplish with this little scam of yours but I am washing my hands of the whole thing because you are boring and stupid people such as yourself make my hair hurt and my teeth itch.

I would suggest that you make the following your daily mantra and learn to live your life accordingly… “I am a hemorrhoid on the ass of intelligent society.”

Thank you and good afternoon.

So my question after this ridiculously long and pointless mess is this…Obviously, this is some sort of scam. But what is the purpose and what are the scammers hoping to accomplish with it? Anyone know anything about this one? Ponder on THAT this weekend. Thanks!!

Published by PaintingChef on 05 Jan 2006

In the absence of a weapon, it IS possibly to kill someone with their own anatomy.

Dear Insensitive and rude bitch who should be drawn and quartered with a rusty butter knife if that’s the sort of tool used for drawn and quartering these days–

Hi. You are the meanest and nastiest person who ever lived. I hope you die a long and painful death and I mean that with 100% of my being.

I’m not really sure what possessed you to ask the total stranger minding her own business and pouring some coffee if she had any children (which…HELLO! No coffee yet! Are you SURE you want to come within a hundred feet of me? RESPECT THE FUCKING PERIMETER!) because that’s kind of an odd conversation starter. Next time, try something along the lines of “Isn’t this 70 degree weather in January unusual?” or “I just had several large fissures removed from my ass, how are you today?” EITHER one of those would have been preferable to where you went after asking me if I had children.

Because when I say no and you say “Oh, why not, are you (dropping voice to a whisper) barren?” I just don’t want you to be too shocked when fire shoots out of my nostrils and I reach down your throat and strangle you with your small intestines while beating you to death with your own left foot.

And then, when I tell you that “Yes, as a matter of fact, my husband and I ARE having some trouble conceiving,” all the while trying to wrap my highly superior brain around the fact that this is a conversation you are having with a TOTAL FUCKING STRANGER, and you respond to me “Well, you just need to pray harder and relax about the (whispering again) intercourse process (the WHAT?), and I’m sure things will work out,” that blank stare I’m giving you is because I am unable to control my anger and incredulity and so I set my coffee down and walk out of the gas station because OH MY GOD YOU ARE THE DEVIL AND DID THAT CONVERSATION REALLY JUST HAPPEN!?!?

So for the record you miserable plague on society…NO, I cannot relax about the “intercourse process” because I DON’T FUCKING OVULATE without the help of some serious drugs. I can’t just quit trying and let it happen naturally because I DON’T HAVE NORMALLY FUNCTIONING OVARIES. And furthermore, you have no IDEA how lucky you are that you didn’t have this conversation with Crazy Psycho Clomid Wife because she? Is lacking in the self-control that I so beautifully displayed.

And on top of all that? I never got my damn coffee. You dirty flea bag rat-bitch of a woman.

Love,

P to the C.

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