Archive for the 'Kitchen' Category

Published by PaintingChef on 14 Mar 2011

Although I’m not sure that’s what they would write in the Wine Journal review…

While cleaning up the kitchen after having some wonderful friends and their adorable little girl over for dinner on Saturday night…

“What was that Shiraz they brought that we were drinking? I really liked it.”

“Me too, it was magically delicious and felt like little baby unicorns dancing on my tongue. It was called Ass Kisser.”

“I kind of love that our friends know that it’s alright to bring Ass Kisser wine to our house.”

“Patrick. If at any point in time, we were to ever have a friend who DOESN’T know that bringing wine called Ass Kisser to our house is not only okay but it is damn well encouraged… well, all I can say is that I’ve failed somewhere as a human being and at life in general.”

“Don’t worry sweetie. I’m pretty sure that comes across loud and clear as soon as you walk in a room.”

Published by PaintingChef on 06 May 2008

What is it about that road paved with good intentions?

I just took a look into my fridge. I’m not certain because it was a little hard to see past the wine, champagne, heavy whipping cream, leftover fajitas, assorted imported cheese and various random sticks of butter but there are probably some vegetables in there somewhere.

Obviously the fridge needed some help. Fast. This had to be dealt with in a drastic and immediate way. There needed to be less crap in there.

So… I ate a piece of the cheesecake.

Published by PaintingChef on 30 Apr 2007

At some point I switched to the third person. She asks you to ignore this.

Although the content of this blog would lead you to believe otherwise, I do, in fact, love both painting and cooking (chefing?). And Sunday evening, after he had worked all damn day (and possibly the day before) on the Massive Project of Which We Are Trying Not To Speak, I thought to myself… what could POSSIBLY be a better idea than asking my poor, exhausted husband with roofing tar (?) in some very odd places (??) clean this whole deck off so that I may carry loads and loads of foodie items in bowls out to the tacky green plastic table I normally pot plants on because all the good furniture has been hidden away from the MPoWWATNTS and the potential mayhem it presents. All because his wife (that would be me) spent the afternoon in the cool, cool air conditioned luxury of her house thinking about doing laundry and wondering if she had the mental prowess to convince the laundry to wash and fold itself while she watched Bobby Flay grill some pizzas. (She didn’t, by the way, the laundry still sits in its original home in the basket.)

So naturally, she got up off the couch after neglecting to make said hard working and sweet husband lunch (after all, she had fed him breakfast at 11:30… what more could he possibly want) , looks up a good pizza crust recipe online and putting on a skirt and cute shoes, she heads off to the store.

What follows is photographic evidence of my culinary prowess. And my latent dirty redneck tendencies. (Click on pictures to enlarge)

A Horrible Mess
Ingredients
The Outdoor “Kitchen”
Priceless
Crust 1
Crust 2
Chef Patrick and his Battle Wound
Patrick’s Pizza
Susannah’s Pizza
Grilling
Finished Product

And then Patrick had to go and drive his damn truck through the backyard.

Truck in the Backyard

Published by PaintingChef on 16 Jan 2007

Some things are better left off the menu.

Just a wee few days ago I was shouting from the blogosphere that I was such a splendiferous cook. I’m sure you all remember that. I was resolving to learn to make Cuban food and blah, blah, blah.

Well. If by “learning to make Cuban food” I meant “popping into the grocery store for turkey and potato chips for lunch on Sunday and then suddenly getting a wild hair up my ass and thinking I could probably make Chinese food too and oh my doesn’t General Tso’s chicken sound scrumptious and LOOK! Eggrolls!” then okay…I’m a smashing success. But guess what? I absolutely and positively CANNOT make Chinese food. It was a failure of such epic proportions that I shudder to, even now, think of it.

“Okay, this is extremely nasty, I’m so sorry Patrick.”

“I really don’t think its that bad. You’re too hard on yourself.”

“No. Seriously. Gag. I promise to never try and make Chinese food again sweetie. We’ll just order it and go pick it up in our pajama pants like normal people.”

“I thought normal people had it delivered.”

“Okay. Normal Augusta people who can only get pizza delivered. There is a ton of this left over; you wouldn’t be interested in taking it for lunch tomorrow would you?”

“I don’t know that it would heat up all that well…”

“Yeah. It didn’t cook all that well the first time. I can’t imagine how adding a microwave into the mix would help.”

“It wasn’t THAT bad, Susannah.”

“Just for the record? I feel kind of nauseous. So you should know that sucking up and saying it really wasn’t that bad is NOT going to get me naked.”

“Oh. Okay. Then it sucked and please don’t ever make it again. Your strengths are elsewhere.”

“See? Honesty is paramount in a marriage.”

Published by PaintingChef on 11 Jan 2007

Other contenders included “Cuddle with the Dog” and “Be More Sarcastic”

As we have now reached the end of the portion of our programming that will forever and ever amen be known as “Adventures in my Ass”, we will now move onto more interesting things; things that do not concern the parts of my anatomy I keep hidden…because I care about you and how you sleep at night.

I mentioned earlier that I will no longer make New Years Resolutions, instead, I will just not beat myself up about things; a non-resolution that I broke in a record time of thirty-seven minutes. (If you are keeping score, that’s a record LONG time, not a record short time…further illustrating why New Years Resolutions and I don’t mix. Much like Republicans and I. Unless you’re married to me and giving me the sweet, sweet love. Then we’re good.)

Faced with the total failure of yet another New Years plan, regardless of what kicky name I gave it to try and hide the fact that it was, without a doubt, a New Years Resolution, I decided to just cave already and come up with one I might actually keep. Finalists were “Eat More Cake”, “Buy More Shoes”, Vacuum Less”, “Drive Too Fast”, and “Make One Stupid Person Cry Every Day”. Sadly, none of those made the official cut (that’s not to say they won’t find a place in my every day life, I shall treasure them always, have no worries). But I finally decided on a Mid-January Pseudo-Resolution Made When Faced With the Complete and Total Failure of the Previous Non-Resolutions that will be fun for everyone…

(You know how this site is called PaintingCHEF? And how I talk about those two things, well, almost never? Yeah…it relates to that.)

I am going to learn to make Cuban food.

You’re totally disappointed, aren’t you? You were expecting something far better. I’m so sorry but I will not lie, I am an excellent cook. However my creativity has been…lacking and I find myself making the same five or six things every week and frankly? I’m bored.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my father who happens to be the most culinarily (yeah…I made it up…move on) creative person I’ve ever met. I have a habit of talking to my parents while they’re cooking dinner because I think its fun. They are silly and entertaining and sometimes it makes me feel like I’m hanging out in the kitchen with them which is one of my favorite places to be. Plus? I ALWAYS learn something. On this particular occasion, they were making “Vaca Frita” which translates, literally, to Fried Cow. (I know, your mouth is already watering, no?)

So I did what I always do when they are making something that sounds interesting and not of the seafood variety (allergies, I know…tragic); I wrote down what they called it and a few of the main ingredients and then hit the internet to find five or six recipes that I liked the sound of and then took my favorite parts from each one and made it my own. Guess what I learned? I am GOOD at Cuban food. I guess that means all I did was pick something I’m already kind of good at and say I’m going to do it better. Now I feel all slacker-ish again. Damn. I have, however, given Patrick a role to play in this adventure. He is in charge of procuring fitting cigars. I should probably start soliciting donations for bail money too.