Published by PaintingChef on 08 Apr 2010
A few years ago, in my non-religious observation of Lent, I decided to give up Tabloid Gossip Magazines. I know… I should have gone with cake. My hips don’t lie… but I was trying to find something that, the absence of which, might make me a better person. Patrick can tell, I’m kind of a bitch if you interrupt me while I’m taking in my dose of gossip but when has LESS CAKE ever made anyone HAPPIER?
Please. Religion. I KNOWS IT.
And maybe it was a time passage thing or maybe it really is true that the first few weeks of a new behavior are the most difficult but I very rarely buy them anymore. You know… unless there is something REALLY important on the cover. Like all that damn plastic surgery Spencer performed on Heidi while he had her locked in a closet.
But today I was standing in a rather long and slow moving line at Target and faced with the three options I had available to me for time passage, I went with perusing the tabloid magazines. Terrorizing the baby in front of me was the obvious choice but he was kind of snotty and boogery and I’m sure that MY child’s snot and boogers will be fill of cupcake icing and cotton candy but YOUR child’s nasal emissions? Kind of gross me out. Also I’m pretty sure Target would have frowned on my other option which was to open up all the Reese’s cups and make a tower and then eat it like a mean and conquering dragon.
Plus? I’d left my Blackberry in the car so obviously a quick game of Brickbreaker was out. CURSES. In my perusal, I discovered something. I’ve been out of the damn loop kids! So with that in mind… I present to you my itching, scratching, burning questions of the day.
1. Jersey Shore? Really?
2. What is a Justin Beiber and is it housebroken?
3. What is a Ke$ha? Does it smell as bad as it appears it should?
4. Who let Miley Cyrus be an actress? Was someone supposed to be watching that one?
5. Do we have enough “Real Housewives” yet?
6. Heidi also “scooped” her back? Did you? You don’t think its maybe a result trying to balance all that shit cantilevered off your chest and your ass?
I would also like to take this opportunity to announce my vendetta against DISH Network. You cannot take the STYLE channel away without warning. I NEED Clean House. There are very shows on the air that make me feel better about my housekeeping abilities. I can’t watch “Hoarders” what with all the crying and actual serious psychological problems. But Clean House, I could handle. Let’s not even get into how you have also taken away the Biography channel AND National Geographic.
DISH Network… you are dead to me.
Seriously though… Justin Beiber? How did this happen and why does the sight of him give me immediate stabbing and searing eyeball pains?