Archive for the 'Entertainment' Category

Published by PaintingChef on 08 Apr 2010

Maybe I should have gone with the Reese’s Tower instead…

A few years ago, in my non-religious observation of Lent, I decided to give up Tabloid Gossip Magazines. I know… I should have gone with cake. My hips don’t lie… but I was trying to find something that, the absence of which, might make me a better person. Patrick can tell, I’m kind of a bitch if you interrupt me while I’m taking in my dose of gossip but when has LESS CAKE ever made anyone HAPPIER?

Please. Religion. I KNOWS IT.

And maybe it was a time passage thing or maybe it really is true that the first few weeks of a new behavior are the most difficult but I very rarely buy them anymore. You know… unless there is something REALLY important on the cover. Like all that damn plastic surgery Spencer performed on Heidi while he had her locked in a closet.

But today I was standing in a rather long and slow moving line at Target and faced with the three options I had available to me for time passage, I went with perusing the tabloid magazines. Terrorizing the baby in front of me was the obvious choice but he was kind of snotty and boogery and I’m sure that MY child’s snot and boogers will be fill of cupcake icing and cotton candy but YOUR child’s nasal emissions? Kind of gross me out. Also I’m pretty sure Target would have frowned on my other option which was to open up all the Reese’s cups and make a tower and then eat it like a mean and conquering dragon.

Plus? I’d left my Blackberry in the car so obviously a quick game of Brickbreaker was out. CURSES. In my perusal, I discovered something. I’ve been out of the damn loop kids! So with that in mind… I present to you my itching, scratching, burning questions of the day.

1. Jersey Shore? Really?
2. What is a Justin Beiber and is it housebroken?
3. What is a Ke$ha? Does it smell as bad as it appears it should?
4. Who let Miley Cyrus be an actress? Was someone supposed to be watching that one?
5. Do we have enough “Real Housewives” yet?
6. Heidi also “scooped” her back? Did you? You don’t think its maybe a result trying to balance all that shit cantilevered off your chest and your ass?
I would also like to take this opportunity to announce my vendetta against DISH Network. You cannot take the STYLE channel away without warning. I NEED Clean House. There are very shows on the air that make me feel better about my housekeeping abilities. I can’t watch “Hoarders” what with all the crying and actual serious psychological problems. But Clean House, I could handle. Let’s not even get into how you have also taken away the Biography channel AND National Geographic.

DISH Network… you are dead to me.

Seriously though… Justin Beiber? How did this happen and why does the sight of him give me immediate stabbing and searing eyeball pains?

Published by PaintingChef on 04 Mar 2010

But it will probably make for damn fine television.

It’s official. You knew it would happen, that it was only a matter of time but it has finally fulfilled its destiny.

“Dancing with the Stars” is the new “The Real World.” (Does MTV still film “The Real World”? Are they now filming like “The Real World: Bucksnort, TN” or did they just give up and replace it with Jersey Shore and The Hills? You know… since THOSE people are SO real…)

But I digress. “Dancing with the Stars” is the new “Real World”. They are no longer looking for people who are just a few slightly has-been celebs or daytime stars. Oh no. They are now casting for… DRAMA. I’m sure of it.

Why? Brenda. Walsh. You do not invite Brenda Walsh to a party unless you want drama. She has been cast as the troublemaker. Which, let’s be honest, is going to piss off Kate Gosselin AND her hamster hair extensions. (It troubles me to no end that Microsoft Word recognized Gosselin as a word.)

Jake the Bachelor? Doesn’t he have enough on his plate right now? Didn’t he just get engaged or dumped or married or divorced or something? To some girl named Sausage? Or like… a Disney princess? Erin Andrews looks an awful lot like those girls, hope he doesn’t get confused… that would be awkward for everyone.

And Evan Lysacek? Did I even spell that right? Must we really fall so far so fast my dear? You just won a gold medal. Go to Disneyworld or something. Make a Wheaties box. Isn’t there another pretty important competition right after the Olympics? But for the love of god man, whatever you do, stop slicking back that hair. It’s NOT a good look for you.

At least between Evan (with NON slicked back hair) and Aiden who plays a guy named Aiden on a soap opera, there will be plenty of eye candy. Those two will get arrested for bar fighting by the third episode. That’s what the cute boys do on reality shows, right?

Add to that mix Pamela Anderson and a guy who LEGALLY changed his name to “OchoCinco” because he has the mental capacity of a highlighter. I predict those two will be married and divorced before the show ends. The Pussycat Doll will be VERY jealous and between the antics of her and Pammy A, the show will no longer be broadcast live to allow for ample time to blur wardrobe malfunctions.

Buzz Aldrin and Niecy Nash? Archie and his adorable new haircut think you are too good for this shit…

Published by PaintingChef on 28 May 2009

Equal Opportunity Pop Culture Suckage.

It’s a fair assessment to call me a pop culture junkie. Anyone who has to give up tabloid magazines (US Weekly, In Touch, etc…) for Lent (a religious thing that I don’t even observe) is in a bad way. If we’re playing non-sports related Trivia? You want me on your team, trust me. While I am incapable of remembering whether the dishes in the dishwasher are clean or dirty or whether or not I’ve done laundry, I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of celebrity names, bodies of work and love lives. I know my television, movies, music and celebrity divorce stats like those ESPN guys know… something sports-like.

That said, there are a few pop culture areas I choose to remain blissfully ignorant. Things I just don’t… get. Things that I’m actually fine with being unaware of and unable to participate in the discussion of because they just don’t appeal to me.

So here it is… my pop culture “No Way In Hell” list… Defend your favorites! Add your own!! It’s fun!!

American Idol
Lost
House
John and Kate Plus Eight
Twilight
Harry Potter
Joss Whedon (with the exception of Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog… that shit was funny!)
The Jonas Brothers
High School Musical
Hannah Montana
The Real Housewives of Paducah, Kentucky or wherever they are from this week

Published by PaintingChef on 03 Mar 2009

Far too much capitalization for a show I hadn’t watched a single episode of in like 5 years.

I’ll confess. I’ve watched it in the past. But I can honestly say that it’s been several years since I’ve even been able to claim I could pick the current “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” out of a lineup.

So last night as Patrick and I were getting all snuggled into bed after watching our DVR’d episodes of “United States of Tara” and “Big Love” (what is UP with Barb these days and why is she suddenly so… irritating?) I briefly turned on the bedroom television to see what to expect from the out-of-doors so that I could have a clue what to wear in the morning. (I do much better to plan these things ahead of time as my morning decision need to not be more complicated than which silver hoop earrings to wear and let’s be honest… even that is pushing it… at least once a week I have on mismatched earrings)

But instead of the weather I was greeted with some dude I didn’t know proposing to some girl I didn’t know but who looked oddly familiar in that way that you imagine she hears very often “you remind me of someone”. This told me two things… First of all… I was in bed an entire HOUR earlier than I thought and second of all… these two people had just gotten engaged. (Then there was a kid (??) and they all jumped into a pool and “girl who looks like everyone” narrowly avoided smacking her head on the edge of an infinity pool that I would soon learn was in New Zealand.)

And then things went horribly wrong. I SHOULD have just hit the button on the remote that would tell me what the weather was going to be like. I SHOULD have ignored the dramatic way Chris Harrison came on screen talking about thing being oh so different this time around. (Which would only mean that these two crazy kids actually made it work). I SHOULD have just turned the damn thing off, rolled over and gone to sleep.

But instead I found myself setting the DVR to record the douchebag Bachelor on Jimmy Kimmel later that night because SURELY at some point SOMEONE will punch this tool in the face, right? Or at the very least pull Replacement Girl to the side and give her a hand with her hair. It’s so sad that she doesn’t have any friends. I know this because if she did? One of them would have clued her into the magic healing powers of a good conditioner AGES ago.

Ugh… is Project Runway EVER coming back?

Published by PaintingChef on 02 Oct 2007

Eau de Hollywood.

Mariah Carey is coming out with a perfume which is awesome because now I will finally know what hairspray, flat champagne, desperation and schizophrenia smell like when you throw them in a cocktail shaker of crazy, give them a whirl and unleash the goodness on the world. Thank you Mariah Carey.

I don’t know if this is better or worse than Paris Hilton’s second foray into fragrance. But I am curious to know what changes an heiress makes to her signature fragrance following a stint in the slammer. Especially when her first go around smelled so pleasantly of baby prostitute and self tanner.

But I think we could safely call it a trifecta if Pamela Anderson releases a fragrance to celebrate her alleged marriage to Rick Salomon called “Indecent Proposal 2: I Invented the Sex Tape Bitch and You Know You Want To Smell Like My Special Blend of Silicone, Faux Fur and That Crusty Hat Kid Rock Left Under the Bed Next to Tommy Lee’s Leather Man-Panties.” Although let’s be honest, that would never fit on a bottle and probably the best we can hope for from those two would be a “stolen” home movie accidentally leaked on You Tube. I think I’ll pass. While silently begging them not to reproduce.

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